dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
