the condom got lost in my hair
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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