you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize