she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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