Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
