I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
