So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
