This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
