My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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