I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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