Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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