I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
