she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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