when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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