I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
