Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
