mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
