I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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