dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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