So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
