He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
