margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
