I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
