you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
