Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
