I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
