He uses pillows to masturbate.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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