my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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