I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I can feel your judgement through the phone
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
