I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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