So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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