I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
