Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
