I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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