Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize