Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
