i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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