That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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