He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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