why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
