just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize