Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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