a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
