I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He shit in the fireplace
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
