I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
