i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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