I wish I could punch you in the face.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
tell me about the eggs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
