census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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