she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
