Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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