conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
