He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
