she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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