Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
